


Shiro and Keith go shopping

by AllyGurl



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 07:29:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13876116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllyGurl/pseuds/AllyGurl
Summary: A shit fic written at 2 AM





	Shiro and Keith go shopping

Shiro hated taking Keith anywhere but he took Keith to the store because he was gonna make Keith buy condoms so he could fuck Lance without getting a space STD, because space STDs fucked you up. (Shiro knew from banging Allura so many times and contracting space lobsters. They were like crabs but on steroids.)  
Keith looked for the best brand of space condoms the store had to offer. They had to be big condoms, because Keith had a huge dick and didn't want to get Space lobsters like Shiro.  
Keith's dick wasn't as big as Shiro's tho, so Shiro went and bought garbage bags. They weren't for his dick though. They were for Keith and Lance's bodies incase his space lobsters felt the need to hunt again like they did with Allura's mice. That image continued to haunt his mind for all eternity. "Alright Keith, now when you buy condoms, always remember to buy ribbed and strawberry flavor." Shiro lectured him and threw a few boxes at Keith.  
"Is it incase Lance wants to deep-throat me?" Keith asked, taking the boxes and putting them in the cart that had the garbage bags. Keith didn't know why they needed garbage bags, Shiro just threw them in with the face he makes when he Vietnam flashbacks.  
"No. That won't be necessary. Lance has a dick like a worm. It's long and narrow and feels like a millepede." Shiro had another bout of Vietnam flashbacks as he remembered his sexual assault with millipedes on the Galra ship. "As least his dick doesn't spit acid."  
"How would you know how Lance's dick looks like? I'm the only one that sucks his dick," Keith folded his arms and looked at Shiro pointedly.  
Sheer panic washed over Shiro as he realized he had revealed his secret: Hiding in the closet and watching Lance and Keith go at it to make sure they left enough room for Jesus when the two were having space ranger buddy time. They did not often leave as much room for Jesus as Shiro would have liked.  
"He told me--" the paladin lied.  
"And why would he tell you?? The only person he trusts that much to talk about his juicy dick is me! Nobody knows Lances dick like me." Keith threw a condom box at Shiro.  
"Unless... Lance is cheating on me with you! My own brother!" He fell to the floor, crying. He took out his phone and started playing My Chemical Romance, the best band to ever live.  
"Keith no--" Shiro pleaded, "not now. Please. There is no black parade-- there never was-- my neurotransmitted love isn't even a band anymore...--" He attempted to console the now crying red paladin. But it was of no use.  
"I'm not fucking your boyfriend...! I'd go to space jail Keith...!! SPACE JAIL...!! I CAN'T GO BACK THERE MAN...!!!"  
"BUT YOU'RE FUCKING MY BOYFRIEND!" Keith cried louder, increasing the volume on his phone, so that now the whole grocery store could hear Welcome to the Black Parade.  
"I'M NOT FUCKING YOUR BOYFRIEND KEITH...!!! I'M MAKING SURE YOU TWO STAY A BIBLE LENGTH AWAY WHEN YOU SIN...!!" He blurted out suddenly, wondering if it was too late to hide in the condoms. Yes. He would become a condom. It was the only way to escape Keith's embarrassing move.  
"Wh... what?" He sniffed, looking at Shiro.  
"What do you mean bibles length? Are you... are you spying on me and Lance when we fuck each other?"  
"NO...!! MAYBE-- BUT IT WAS ONLY ONCE AND IT WAS FOR THE GREATER GOOD....!! You two were talking about your feelings and I was like 'oh! I should learn about my Paladins!' But then you two started fucking and I couldn't look away Keith-- it was too late Keith....! KEITH..!!!" The confession spilled over the lips of Shiro and the whole event played throughout his mind in incredible detail. He remembered it all. The Daddy kink. The hair pulling. The disgusting wriggling of Lance's malformed penis.  
Keith began screaming, his face red. He knocked the cart over and all the condom boxes fell out, along with the trash bags, which he still didn't know why they needed it for. He increased the volume to his MCR so loud, the condom boxes began to bounce up and down, like Keith did on Lance's dick. He began screaming more at the thought, because Shiro had WATCHED him bounce up and down on Lance's dick and moaning loudly. He had HEARD Lance moan "daddy" as he was smashing him from behind. His amazing sex life was now exposed.  
"KEITH NO---!!" Shiro shouted, but it was too late. The basket laid hurled into its side, condoms fell from the shelf onto the floor. Mother's bled from their ears and children became possessed with the emo. Having no other option, Shiro rushed to the phone and melted it with his über cool fist of purple fire plasma shit before anymore damage could be done; but it was too late. Another generation of emo was born.  
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE KEITH...?!" The paladin sobbed before taking Keith into his arms.  
"IM EXPRESSING MYSELF THROUGH MUSIC!" He cried, trying to push Shiro away.  
"YOU'VE CREATED A MONSTER KEITH..!! A MONSTER...!!" He continued to sob and tightened his grip as all the emo-fied children began to creep up on them, screaming for why the music had stopped. This was it. This was the end. Keith and Shiro were going to be eaten by small emo children.  
"OH KEITH-- MY SWEET BEAUTIFUL KEITH..!! YOU WERE TOO PRECIOUS FOR THIS WORLD..!!"  
Keith grabbed some eyeliner and put it on under his eyes. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT SHIRO! THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS AND NOT GET KICKED OUT OF THE GROCERY STORE!"  
It was a nightmare. Keith was becoming one of the emos before his very eyes. His sweet brogane Keith was becoming one of /THEM/. "Keith--! No...!!" Shiro began to scream and wrestled the mullet man for the eye liner. "RESIST THEM KEITH!! THEY'RE USING THEIR POWER OF TEENAGE REBELLION TO CONVERT YOU...!!" He continued to try and talk some sense into Keith. "IT'S ALL A PART OF THEIR ROUS KEITH...!!! IT'S ALL A PART OF THEIR ROUS!! DON'T LET THEM GET INTO YOUR HEAD KEITH..!!"  
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!" Keith shouted.  
"NOBODY DOES! NOT EVEN MY BOYFRIEND, THE ONE THAT YOU WATCHED ME RIDE!" He sobbed, grabbing onto Shiro.  
"YOU WATCHED ME RIDE MY B O Y F R I E N D!!"  
"I WAS AN ACCIDENT KEITH...!!!" Shiro pleaded.  
"A REALLY REALLY MESSED UP ACCIDENT I COULDN'T TEAR MY EYES AWAY FROM-- I JUST WANTED TO BUY SOME CONDOMS FOR YOU AND KEEP JESUS IN YOUR HEARTS...!!" More tears had begun to roll. It was a good thing he never wore eyeliner on his lower lid. It would be streaking terribly, possibly attracting more of the emo-turned children.  
"Jesus in... our hearts?" He echoed, looking at Shiro with tears glimmering in his eyes.  
"You just wanted us to be safe from the lobsters?"  
"...... Yeah-- Sure-- That's what it was--" Shiro agreed, slowly tucking away with wooden cross he'd dipped in holy water back into his pocket.  
"My space lobsters have gotten out of control-- They've developed laser vision now-- I don't want you to have STDs with Laser Vision Keith-- you can't tap that ass if you’re uncontrollably shooting laser beams everywhere--"  
"I'm sorry I misjudged you Shiro," Keith sniffed, hugging Shiro.  
"I didn't know all you wanted to do was keep us safe."  
"There there Keith...."  
Shiro comforted his brogane and gave him a firm squeeze amidst their intimate hug.  
"It's okay.... The only thing we have to worry about now is what to do with all these emotionally damaged children....."


End file.
